i don't really know to what to say to this anymore i used to love writing in it cause i didn't think anyone would wanna hear the things i said but that has changed and to tell you the truth i like talking about my feelings now rather then bottle them up and just explode about them in my hip cool livejournal. in the past i would write about my bands and what i did for the day and my overall feelings i was having soon that turned into just posting pictures of my friends and silvana that sooned turned into posting pictures of silvana now i'm at a point where i just am gonna abandon this thing all together. i'm 20 now never thought i'd make it that far not that i do like crazy things just i thought i'd give in long ago but i'm older now and much more mature i think i've grown a lot. people talk so much about how the liked how it used to be and/or about how cool high school was and wish things could be like it was back then. well my feelings on that still remain the same til this day those days are long gone and no point on looking back on the past cause i think i'm better then that. i've made it through a lot of crappy things in my past and to tell you the trust i wouldn't change a thing cause it's made me who i am today and has taught me valuable lessons. right now at this very moment i like me i like who i am i like who i surround myself with and i like where i can potentially go. i mean i'm still a bum and sleep a lot and still have stupid long hair and am a goofy person but i've grown to accept that and well if people don't like me for that then oh well no skin off my back. things are still the same between my friends i've accepted that some people may hate me and i also accepted that i probably ended friendships prematurely but what can you do ya know? at the time they made sense and i'm willing to deal with the things i did and for once be strong with my opinions and actions. i've come full circle to tell you the truth, i used to be a person who was hell bent on fighting the world now all i want to do is embrace my surroundings. funny how things work i pushed a lot of good people away i knew i shouldn't have but if i hadn't pushed them away i wouldn't have made way for new friends to enter my life. at this point in life there's no reason to focus on negatives anymore, i have a girlfriend who i love and i know she loves me and that's the first time i can say with confidence that we are best friends and nothing will ever break what we've given each other no one will ever impact me the way she has and i can't begin to explain what she's done for me. my love for music is still strong and for as long as i live no matter what i will never ever give up on music cause i care about it to much, my friendships are growing and i'm finding more and more each day who will be there for me. i cherish everything i have and sometimes it may seem like i suck but if you only believe in me the slightest bit i will pull through 10 fold and prove to you i will be there you to repay the debt i owe you. lastly i would like to say that for anyone reading this it's cool you hate me or dislike me but i'm turning over a new leaf and if you are reading this then you know me somewhat and let me say that you ever have a problem and you think i could help or do anything feel free to contact me life's to short to hold grudges i'd rather hold a hamburger YEA! I ENDED THAT WELL BAM WHAM SLAM A LAM!!!!!!
joe chris sean kutz buddy billy keith nick butch silvana
10 people who will probably be in my life forever and i don't have a problem with that
okay so future endeavors: go to dark star get tattooed on me 1. integrity 2. i am the avalanche/movielife 3. converge 4. young buck i have the best idea and this is all for my right leg
okay so anything else i love my girlfriend my band
yo you wanna start drama i hope you see this shit you can run and tell silvana i wrote this about you two you're fucking piece of shit both of you are saying shit like that is real fucking cool you both pretend to be my friend to my face but behind my back you're about as worthless are the rest of them i was nice to you first off cause i had to be no more of that and you i thought we were friends guess not you fucking rat fucking keep tabs on me like some fucking snitch fuck both of you i won't say names cause that will just cause more drama and i don't need that shit most likely if you read and it's you you'll get offended and probably cry about it if this doesn't pertain to you you'll just think i'm ranting and raving bottom line GO FUCK YOURSELVES end of story
i was just wondering if someone asked me to describe myself with
pictures would i give them these? cause they are on my myspace for
everyone who doesn't know me to see and try to get to know me through.
not sure why i chose these but whatever i'm just in a thinking mood
soft maybe i felt something down the road i realized things change but reinventing myself might mean losing all i'm scared that if i do things with you won't make it through are you afraid of waiting for someone who is waiting for you? you think having the same agenda means we are on the same path or maybe it's just my other side i have many this one side loves you and this one adores you the other wants you then there's this one breathing in everything you are can you see what i'm about? i want to make this obvious change doesn't effect me whatever you want i'll lay down for shift verse well rehearsed don't think just stay wait leave it might be better leave now so you can turn around and see me still behind you that's where i'll plant myself in your footsteps i don't want to be you i just want to be with you always truely deadly? stop forcing let it be let us see do you trust me? love is being safe and safe means your secure but does being secure mean you can't be free anymore? can't decide wether to run from signs of bad weather no stay together i want i wan i wa i w i it doesn't matter there's is no want for you there is only need feel me lay this down go hide i'd perfer that no one will understand maybe they shouldn't cause it's ours the want to show you off has turned into the need to smother you file under system failure all acts have been paused no longer acting on love i'm proceeding with cause never had much never asked for much 1 thing true blue brand new no clue time due we grew on cue dragging shoes stayed true all through it's only you and if you allow only me too
this is what came out of what i've been going through, although you might not understand anything i'm about this is what i am right there, random lines that make sense to me and may not to others, i don't expect people to read this cause well no one reads this but this kinda helped me a lil, i gotta remember what i got sometimes, as i went over i realized the whole thing is based around her, i love her she might think i'm idiot after reading that but who cares anymore she has me nothing more, nothing less. i don't question her anymore i just want to be that's it. okay i'm done. ps. not sure what side this was that wrote/thought that? silvana maybe you can decode it mayve you can't but maybe you can help me pick which personallity that is? any guesses?
LIST OF THINGS I NEED TO MENTION 1. I HAVE PROBLEMS (mental ones that make me a shitty person) 2. I NEED TO DEAL WITH THEM 3. I'M REALLY SORRY ABOUT PUTTING MY BURDENS ON OTHERS 4. I LOVE YOU PLEASE DON'T THINK OTHERWISE
i wish i did the right things instead of being such a fuck up, i wish for christmas that i kinda became a better person and treated the ones i love like they should be treated. i don't ask for much from people i just put myself out there and if they don't like me well then who cares. every friend i have has only become my friend because they stuck there neck out for me. i love and cherish everything you've ever given me. between my mental lapses and all the shitty stuff i put people through, i've been hanging out with chris and silvana and having them as my best friends pretty much means i'm somewhat stable. i mean one is my girlfriend so that's a huge plus and she deals with me on a constant basis and i love her to death i just hate doing crappy things to her i know i hurt her when i don't mean to but i'm stupid and i hope she really plans on being with me for eons and eons. as for chris and some others i got nothing but love for them.
okay that's it i'm sick in the head i'm sick in general i'm losing control i'm not gaining any ground bye
I'm gunna try for you. I'm gunna try for you. I'm gunna try for you. Cause I know that you know. And I care that you care. I'm gunna try for you. I'm gunna try for you. I'm gunna try for you. Cause I know that you know. And I care that you care.
I know the secrets inside your head.
All the secrets you keep aren't good for me.
I know the secrets inside your head.
Not good enough.
And you got beautiful eyes.
And you got beautiful eyes. I'm gunna try for you. I'm gunna try for you. I'm gunna try for you. Cause I know that you know. And I care that you care. I'm gunna try for you. I'm gunna try for you. I'm gunna try for you. Cause I know that you know. And I care that you care.
I know the secrets inside your head.
All the secrets you keep aren't good for me.
I know the secrets inside your head.
Not good enough.
And you got beautiful eyes.
And you got beautiful eyes. I'm gunna try for you. I'm gunna try for you. I'm gunna try for you. Cause I know that you know. I'm gunna try for you. I'm gunna try for you. I'm gunna try for you. Cause I know that you know. And I care that you care. I'm gunna try for you. I'm gunna try for you. I'm gunna try for you. Cause I know that you know. And I care that you care. I'm gunna try for you. I'm gunna try for you. I'm gunna try for you. Cause I know that you know. And I care that you care.
the stryder makes me happy so does she
i have lots to work on
i promise i'm not leaving
i just don't know where my head's at
just read the above lyrics and that sums me up pretty good
and then there's everyone else
LOOK BELOW FOR THAT LIST
yea i couldn't be more satisfied with my life right now
girlfriend is amazing we fight but who doesn't, we'll get through we always do
friends are there for me
family are is bunch of nuts but then so am i so it's all good
music is music hasn't let me down yet
bye it'll be awhile before i post in here again
at least a public one anyway
just deleted friends i'm gonna stop talking to a lot of people i'm gonna stop being a hardass and fighting everyone i'm gonna start enjoying what i have which is good friends and a good family and a good life i'm gonna wake up and smell the coffee and realize music ain't for me i'm gonna either go to school or i'm gonna get a real job i'm gonna suck it up and stop being a bitch about things i'm no longer gonna have any type of emotion i think i'm gonna turn gay i have a lot to say to a lot of people but it's such a waste of time i'm gonna start appreciating: joe chris keith buddy rowe kutz sean dan nick lou mike and some others it sucks that it took my girlfriend leaving me and my dog to pass away to help me come to this conclusion i know i have a band and i enjoy it very much but sometimes giving up what you love does more for you then holding onto it i'll still do it but it's no longer a priority like it used to be going to shows in general aren't fun anymore all it has become is people throwing punches and dancing and then turning around and fighting everyone to me it has gotten so old everything i have when it came to shows i earned and i never asked for acceptance from any of you i feel better about myself every single day knowing i haven't changed because it was cool knowing that what i'm doing is for me and not for some trend that's going around i'm through with tough guys and girls who look like fools doing stupid stuff who don't even enjoy the music and just go to shows cause they either have to prove a point to someone or because well everyone else will be there this is where i say go fuck yourselves but ya know what i don't care to cause sooner or later you'll be gone biting on the next trend that's huge i might be a scumbag sometimes but at least i got my self respect still i know who i am do you? so i leave you with this where do you see yourself in two years? i see me doing everything i do now the only thing different is that i'll be 22 if you think this is about you it probably is i'd name names but you aren't worth my time you're all sluts, whores, wastes of sperm, piece of shit dick riding faggots SAY SOMETHING
okay i want to make a few things clear i know no one reads this but i don't talk to many people now a days and to tell you the truth i don't care, let's see where to start, well first off i went to kutz's show at starland to basically sing the song i recorded with them, i got there and everyone had gathered and i walked in to find the 4 people i have any sort of interest in, which was joe chris pat and mini mosh, everyone else was just a hand shake or a nod, so i'm standing around bullshitting with everyone and everything is going stupid cause shows are gay, well the first band finishes and i start to load steve's drums onto the stage and help out with the other dudes cause years spent cold are the only band that somewhat still makes me happy, anyway i'm standing on stage while they start there set, i look out and everyone is dancing doing the typical bullshit they do and its pretty cool to see YSC to get a good reaction and i think kids who never saw them before really liked them too, anyway they play there intro i'm really siked for it, they play end your life i get excited, so then they play written off in which i sing, now i grab the mic and immediately get the best feeling ever, i know i'm 20 but damn i felt like a lil kid singing on that huge stage, so the song ends and i jumped off stage only to get headlocked and told not to do what i normally do, which i took as basically don't dance or you're gonna get thrown out, so i get into the middle of everything and just kinda stand there and watch everyone look like fools, it had become the gayest thing i've ever seen, people think just because they can make a fist and can swing there arms they can dance, you look like a complete moron, it was funny to watch people try and start fights with everyone in starland ballroom, to tell you the truth i wanted to see about 30 of you kids get stomped out by some random person but we all know that won't happen cause you guys have LOADS of friends to back you up so you start something and your friends have to jump in to help out, real gay, simply put shows are gay and such a waste of my time, i realized that if i didn't go to shows none of the kids who say hi to me there wouldn't even care, i'm content with who i have in my life right now, my friends are basically joe chris keith buddy dan nick rozzi mike lou boobie butch kutz. that's all
anyway i have no words to describe how i feel about silvana, i spent a week with her, nothing else, i mean i barely saw any of my friends no contact with anyone, and besides one little yelling session, everything else was amazing. she's my best friend what more can i ask for.
From the bottom looking up, I never thought I'd know the meaning of these words, or how it felt to hear them back.
Every morning came with chards of glass.
Another broken dream didn't seem so bad.
I was on my last wish, until you came and took my hand.
And showed that there was a reason to breathe.
Now the tears are gone, and I can see.
And I'm praying your forever starts with me. The truth is, I've only come this far because of you, and I need you here to see this through. Let's start forever today. The years will pass but this won't change. I hope you're not too far gone to hear. But let these words ring out forever. I'll scream until my last fucking breath. Scratch these words in blood, until my heart runs dry.
THIS HEART THAT BEATS FOR YOU. IT'S ALL FOR YOU.
basically how i've been feeling since march 20, 2005
THANK YOU i love you silvana
SUIT PARTY!!!!
ummm if you're my friend call me and you can most likely
come but i doubt anyone will see this, i'll post picture of it
afterwards this could potentially be the best thing to ever happen in
my 20 crap years of living on this shit whole bubble we call earth now
get a suit and put on your happiest face.
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